Good-bye blog (for now)

I haven't been feeling like blogging lately. It's kind of sad. The xbf, yet current bff, asked me why, and I said, well, I just don't feel like sharing my life with the rest of the world anymore. He laughed and said that's how he always felt! And the girlfriend, she somehow lacks complete understanding for it, including such stuff like Facebook. Which is also kind of sad, but, whatever. it's not the reason I'm stopping. I like wasting my time on Facebook, and it requires less commitment and maintenance than a blog, so, that's where I'll be for now. I used to love blogging, and write about everything, and made wonderful friends, but lately, it seems like an obligation, my words don't flow, and even just taking pictures seems like an additional task I have to deal with, instead of fun. I don't even want to deal with installing WordPress with my new webhost. So I'm giving myself permission not to blog for a while. I may be back one day and I'll keep reading.

I blame the PMS

So I decided to blame my reaction in my last post on pms. There is really no reason to get mad at my clients for trying to be nice - wanting to fix things, yet not being too great at listening. I mean, why did I read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" anyway? They really are great guys for helping me out with the work they sent me, even if they didn't really need extra help at the moment. I just have to find different ways to find new clients. It's nerve wrecking right now but I just have to remember my "coping skills".

Since I have all this extra time now, I started knitting. Two projects! The first of course is new socks. After finishing the pink spiraly socks for my girl, I was itching to start something new. I literally feel anxious when I don't have a knitting project, and I can't just watch tv. It makes me feel like I'm wasting my life. So I reached way back into the yarn stash and found this beautiful Claudia's hand painted sock yarn. This is my "evening knitting" project.

I started out by making Roza's socks from IK Spring 07, but I'm a knit-tard when it comes to brioche stitch. (I can't slip purlwise in a way that creates a brioche.) So after I followed that pattern for the ribbing I was left with my imagination. I really liked making the spiral boot socks from IK Summer 07, so I came up with a variation on that pattern. When I made the spiral socks, I wanted each sock spiral to spin in opposite directions. I figured out how to reverse the pattern by basically just doing everything backwards, and instead of doing K2tog's, I did SSK's. So for these socks, I do 5 repeats of the spiral pattern in one direction, and 5 in the other, which creates the zigzag. Fun! Here they are "in the field":

I also (accidentally) invented a new, ruffly cast on. I usually cast on twice as many stitches as I need, then *K2* the entire first round for a stretchy edge. I always knit on my stitches when I cast on, but this time, I did the cable cast on, which resulted in a cute little ruffle. I love accidental inventions!

The other project, the "morning knitting" is in the very beginning stage:

This is a little t-shirt from Knitting Lingerie Style. I think it is SO cute - the kind of shirt that makes you feel cute the moment you have it on. I love working the lace. The books explains the stitch patterns in both words & charts - 5 yelp stars right there! The specified yarn is Cascade Sierra which I could not find around here (and I went to 2 stores), so I'm substituting Brown Sheep Cotton Fleece. I usually try to avoid knitting with cotton, for all the reasons we know, so I'm glad the Cotton Fleece has 20% wool in it. Also, it is very affordable, a big plus for me right now. I'll try to post some progress on this one. Unfortunately for me, the pattern comes in finished sizes 33-1/2, 38 and larger, but not in "35" but luckily my swatch came out a little smaller than gauge, so I should be lucky.

Well, it's time to move on to my other coping skill (besides blogging) - baking. Cherry pie for dinner! YUM!

Puzzled by the Male of the Species

I had an interesting experience being self employed the last three days. For the last year, I had been working steady, sometimes had way too much work, and I only remembered 2 times where I had absolutely nothing to do for a day. This time, it had slowed down to a trickle, say a billable hour or two a day, for 2 weeks. Most of my work is residential, so I thought the economy had caught up with me. People whose house is being foreclosed don't want to remodel or add-on. I totally get it. So I decided I needed to do some marketing and find some new architect or structural engineer clients who actually might need help drafting. I did everything - post my resume on craigslist, scour the ads, call my Italian uncle, etc. Then I had the creative idea to ask my existing clients to refer me on - pass my resume forward to their friends & collegues who might need help. I really thought this might work! But in a weird way it has backfired.

Here is the letter.

To my dear Clients,

I've been brainstorming about how I, as a small business owner, will survive the current downturn in the economy. I know one thing for sure: I'd like to stay self-employed, rather than become employed - I am sure you can understand. I want to stay proactive about it, so I need to expand my client base. If it is true that "it is who you know, not what you know", you can help me.

If you have any friends and collegues who may need some help drafting their
architectural, structural or landscape projects, now or in the future, please refer me to them. I also survey and draw as-built plans for homeowners directly, should you know of anyone who may be interested in that kind of service. I am attaching my resume as a pdf for you. Please feel free to pass it forward.

Thank you for all your help.

Sincerely.

The first client I told about this said, panicky, "but I'm afraid I'm going to loose you! What if somebody gets really busy before I do?"
Second client called me the same night. "I have more work than I can handle, but I can't filter it down to where you can take over! Can you think about that?" The next day, I was out in the morning, but he had a project for me, immediate needs of course. It's a pretty tiny job.
I had a 9 page fax with sketches to draft from another client for a small project. I had an email from yet another client with another small project.

What freaks me out is that suddenly everyone is superconcerned, but that nobody said, "OK, I'll pass it on to soandso and s/he might call you". These projects are small, and they won't keep me busy for long. I am grateful for the work in the interim. But it is as though their fatherly protective instinct kicked in and what they are hearing is that I'm broke, homeless and hungry. So they are being supernice and giving me what they can. The thing is, I don't think my email sounded so desperate. But I feel like I'm getting pitywork. I want my clients to think of me as sought-after and successful, not as scraping the bottom! I thought I was being smart marketing myself in a slowing economy. Tell me, did that letter sound desperate? Would they act differently if I were a male? What can I do to make them respect me more rather than assume that I'm starving?

A Rant. You have been warned.

I decided to change my webhost this week and so I have no email for a couple of days. I feel so isolated and disconnected! Just like loosing your cell phone. It's weird. I'm moving away from the incredibly bad ipower to the hopefully much, much cooler Hostgator. All the webhosts' websites look pretty much the same to me, promising 99.9% uptime and 24/7 tech support, but only time will tell. At least Hostgator seems to have real people, their hold system tells you how long the wait is and how many people are holding in front of you, and you can rate their email responses. But seriously people, stay away from ipower, unless of course you actually like to be on hold for tech support for an hour before anyone answers. Or, if you like filling in trouble tickets, then getting back answers that make no sense. Or, if you like getting disconnected from tech support. Or, if you like being told the problem will be fixed in 60 minutes. Or if you like your ftp site address to change without being told, so you're embarrassed when your clients ask why they can't get their files.

One of my whinier clients resorted to calling me each and every time he sent me an email to see if it was there yet, then muttering under his breath "god!" when I told him "not yet." How about now? Is it there now? Funny, his computer says he sent it. When was the last time I checked? Could I check again now? I finally had to tell him to stop or I would put him on notice. Calling someone everytime you send an email actually does not make it work faster. Did you know that? Unfortunately, work is slow - I think when people are worried about paying their mortgage, they don't really feel like remodeling or adding on. Sad for me, but that means I can't really drop annoying clients either, as long as they have work for me. But it helps to write it down.

I''m Fine. Also, knitting.

I know. It's not nice of me to leave people hanging like this. By now, my Dad and my brother have actually read my blog! I didn't know they did. That's the way my family works, I guess. I didn't want to tell my family unless I knew for sure if this was serious or not, because they are so far away and they would only worry. If you put it out there on the innernets, even if it's just for personal therapeutic reasons, word travels eventually.

But anyway, 3 biopsies later, one with 8 samples, my doctor said it's for sure that I have a fibroadenoma. I *heart* fibroadenomas! Mostly because they never turn into cancer, and I'm quoting the doctor here. He said I could have it taken out if it freaks me out, but I could just as well choose to keep it. I'm keeping it, because the thought of having it removed freaks me out even more than it does to have it in me. Also, I now have a clip in my boob, so they'll know exactly where to check next time I have a mammogram. So, all is well.

I don't feel like blogging much lately. I've gone in and out of phases keeping diaries all my life. Maybe this is a phase where I don't need one. I've been knitting, but taking pictures of my knitting is such a PITA, that's what usually keeps me from it.

I've finished the little Norwegian baby sweater for my landlord's son. He is in Brazil now - I'm sure his Mom's family will love the ski theme - or not! But it made me feel good to make a sweater for such a new little person on this planet. This is his Dad holding it, but I decided to cut off his head rather than explain the fact that I blog and oh yeah, would it be OK if I posted this picture of you holding this sweater? I don't think so.


I made the 3-6 months size, and finished it exactly when the little guy was 3 months, so I'm hoping it will fit. More than that, I'm hoping I'll get to see him wear it!

I've also finished and am wearing the purple sweater, which will probably remain unmodelshot unphotographed forever. But here it is. It has a zipper now. Honest.
Love wearing it. Not quite as homey as the original, green Ribbie, but it's just fine. My gauge seems to have loosed up quite a bit since I knitted the first one. I followed my notes and used #8 needles, but #7 would have given me a result closer to the original. I love Cascade 220. Economical, all the colors you would want and hardly any pilling. It's not luxurious cashmere, and not as soft as alpaca, but it's my yarn of choice for a utilitarian, yet stylish, sweater like this.

And, I've finished something totally cute for my girlfriend - the pink spirally knee socks from IK Summer 07.

You see, she's from Texas and likes to wear her cowgirl boots. (Though she likes it to be known that she never owned a pair while living there and never wants to go back, either.) She's getting this for her big birthday, which is coming up, so this is the picture I liften from IK - not her legs. We had a little bit of a tough time on Valentine's Day. I'm just saying that day doesn't exist for me anymore. Completely disappeared from my calendar! But after we got over our little spat, she gave me the Knitting Lingerie Style book. It's very inspiring. So I know what I'm making next!

Love y'all. I may blog more when she's wearing them and when I have yarn for my new project.

The next step

After the cathartic last post, I did what any self respecting hippie woman would do to cheer herself up and to chill out. Yes, I cooked. (What did you think?) I totally sought emotional refuge in food. I made Rachael Ray's Meatloaf Muffins with smashed potatoes. And a salad. I had two helpings of that and then icecream with chocolate syrup. Comfort food to the max. The muffins came out extremely cute! They tasted great, too. YUM. I felt better.

Then yesterday, I had the appointment with the surgeon. He did another exam and used a small ultrasound machine, which showed him a cyst and the questionable lump. (Hey, two in one!) He said the lump should definitely come out. I was ready for that anyway. Then he did another biopsy - one that required local anesthetic and a bigger needle. I was scared, but my girl was there, holding my hand the entire time. I am so glad she came with me. Just having someone who cares about me enough to take time off their job and to be there offset the entire experience. I'm not so scared of this being 'serious' because of all the publicity breast cancer gets and the fact that so many people are aware of it and fighting it. I feel like I have enough inner strength to get through it. I'm really glad that I found it so early and that it will be removed before it can ever turn into anything serious. Only the moment when the medical procedure actually happens, that is scary. But to have her hand to hold on to, and to know that the doctor and the nurses see that someone cares about me, that helped me get through it.


Thank you for all your kind comments yesterday. They all helped, and it is wonderful to know that there are people who care. I'm not alone.

Where is the silver lining when you need it?

Sometimes the light's all shining on me, other times I can barely see. The Dead are playing tonight at the Warfield (they are rocking for Obama) but I won't be there, the show was sold out already when I found out about it. I don't even want to think about it - seeing them would be so much fun and would take my mind of so much crap, but, no. Too many stressful things have happened lately, and I'm feeling it, my body is reacting with anxiety and insomnia, and my girlfriend saw me get so f*cking emotional that she's decided to give me some time & space until I sort out my priorities. I already blogged about my Opa passing away, but I still cry everytime I think about it. Maybe it's because I live so far away that I could not go to the funeral and I don't have closure. When I don't think about it, I'm fine, but when I do, I get so sad. I'm even afraid of talking to my grandma, my Oma, who now has to go to a home. Another thing I can't do anything about, except for calling her, and then we are both crying.

My schedule this semester is one day class on Tuesday and Thursday. I used to take 2 or 3 classes, but since I've started my own business, the business has grown, and now taking just one eats up a huge chunk of billable time. Over the holidays, work slowed down a lot, and I was actually worried. But I got a new client to fill in for the ones who had no work for me. The good, yet bad, thing is that he has way more work for me than the others, and now my old clients are coming back and I'm completely overwhelmed. I had to tell everyone last week that I was not going to finish by the time I thought I would, which made me feel like a huge flake. And it makes me worry that they will go find someone else to do their drafting. The good thing is that the new clients pays me at my higher rate and that he is very organized. But his projects also have serious deadlines. That's in contrast to an old client who is a nice guy, but disorganized, flakes often, and pays me on the last day possible. I don't know how to choose - go with the old, established client, or the new one? And if I go with the new one, how do I fire the old one? And how will his cousin feel about that, who is my favorite client of all?

Anway, the new guy gave me so much work that I ended up skipping my class, which is not good. I'm taking the class with the only purpose of producing more art work for my portfolio so I can apply to grad school with more confidence. I started the business so I could go to school, so school should be the number one priority. I can't just squeeze out art, I need to feel relaxed and enjoy the project for me to be creative. When I'm worried about work, that's impossible.

On top of that, the doctor who did the aspiration called me. When you get a call from a doctor about lab results, that's not good. He said that some of the cells he took from the lump are slightly abnormal, and that he recommends I have it 'excised'. So tomorrow I have an appointmet with a breast surgeon, to get another opinion. I know I don't have breast cancer, because the mammogram was negative, but I don't want abnormal cells to turn into breast cancer either. So I'm not superworried about it, but it does weigh on my mind. And it's going to take up time, time that I need for work and school.

The week before last, my girl had a bunch of horrible days at her work. She's a social worker, so with her work, actual people are involved which I imagine is even more stressful than mine - I mean, what's worse, trying to find poor & handicapped people places to live in SF, or working with people's additions and remodels? I didn't hear her say that she wanted me to call her at night, I still don't remember, and I so regret that, I can't express how much. I want to be there to support her. She does the same for me. We worked through that, she's managing ok, and now I just keep breaking down. She saw me last week, when I was crying. I was so emotional that everything just set me off again - my laundry lady offering me to stay late so I could pick up my wash'n'fold, for example. When my life sucks, and random people are nice to me, that makes me cry, I don't know why. I think it scared her, me being so emotional that she couldn't help me.

On top of all that, of course, there are groceries, cleaning my apartment so it's presentable to clients, dealing with my old cat who throws up in the middle of the night, laundry, pet store, it never ends. I mean, with all this going on, I can't think about putting him to sleep. I just can't.

So this weekend, my girl told me she felt that I got too stressed out trying to get everything done when I know she is coming over. So she decided to stay away until I figure out my priorities. I know she's trying to help and it's what I need to do. She says maybe one day a week is all we should be together, instead of all weekend and long and evening dates during the week. And next weekend, she wants to see an old friend who's in town and she might not have time to see me at all. But seeing her is the one thing I truly want to do. That's why I would blow off school and work - being with her feels so good and makes me so happy I just don't care - but then school and work just blow up in my face later. How can I choose?

So I'm being more disciplined about work and school - I get up earlier, I'm at the computer earlier, I've told the new guy I couldn't do his next big project but smaller projects might be ok, and I had a 12 hour Sunday yesterday - caught up on work and made progress on school, and I'll have next weekend to devote to work and school, too. I'm not going to go out to listen to bluegrass during the week anymore. Still going to run and do yoga for stress relief, though. I hope this will work. I hope I can be adult and responsible about it all, because loosing her, that would be the worst of all.